Sometimes words don’t come. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a hamster wheel, constantly going, but getting nowhere.
The last few weeks I have felt empty. I’ve been carrying around a heaviness in my heart. This Friday marks two years since my mom passed away. This Saturday, my son turns two years old!
My emotions are all over the place. One minute I’m planning my son’s birthday party and ten minutes later I’m crying on my bathroom floor.
Grief is not linear. It comes in all different forms at all different times. As I celebrate my son’s 2nd birthday, I’ll also acknowledge the empty chair. A chair that once was filled with a vivacious woman with a heart of gold. Her smile was pure, and her laugh was contagious. She always had time to listen and would always offer words of encouragement. Her love was overflowing. Her faith was fierce.
My son has so many of my mom’s characteristics. He has gorgeous blue eyes just like hers. His laugh can make anyone smile. Although young, he always seems to lend that comforting support. He is carefree and willing to try new things. His tastebuds are even similar. He loves onions, peppers, broccoli and of course chocolate chip cookies.
He loves reading and loves to learn. He is a boy of few words but speaks volumes with his actions. Just like my mom, he may not be the loudest in the room, but his presence is felt immensely.
I take comfort knowing my son has so many similarities to my mom. I have a constant reminder of what is pure and good in the world.
As I continue to navigate the many emotions of this week. I am choosing to honor my feelings. I will cry when I need too and not feel guilty for my sadness and anger. I’m also going to embrace my families love and recognize my blessings. I will continue to feel my mom’s unyielding guidance and love. I’ll carry on the tradition of making a shamrock birthday cake. I’ll listen to some of her favorite songs, and I’ll raise a glass to a life well lived.