Suicidal thoughts. I’ve had several suicidal thoughts throughout this past week. March is a hard month filled with bittersweet anniversaries and birthdays. No matter how hard I try to prepare, it’s just downright hard. I prepared myself for March. I set up extra doctor and therapy appointments. I scheduled “me” time. Despite my preparation, I was still bogged down and overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts.

Suicidal thoughts are something I have lived with for over almost two decades. I’ve learned to keep them at bay. Sometimes they can be relentless and overbearing. It’s like I’m in quicksand. They come in one by one and then I’m entrenched with negative self-talk and thoughts of self-harm.  The harder I try to fight them, the further down I sink. It’s a vicious cycle.

Throughout the years, I’ve gotten better at coping with my depression and suicidal ideation. I’m very fortunate that I have family and friends who consistently check in on me and make sure I am doing okay. I have a great team of mental health providers who listen to me and validate my feelings.

Today, the sun is shining! Despite not wanting to get out of bed, I pushed myself to get up and get moving. A good friend treated me to a coffee and a treat. We took a stroll with Jack to the park. That simple outing is just what I needed. Some quality time with a friend while chasing Jack all throughout the playground.

The pure joy on his face made me count my blessings. After a day like today with so many smiles and laughter, the suicidal thoughts seem like a distant memory. I wonder how I could ever think of leaving this sweet boy and all my beautiful family and friends. Unfortunately, I know they may creep on me again. I’m just so very thankful that the sun is shining, the dark clouds have cleared, and my hopeful spirit bounced back.